Zombiada: Romanian village attacked by zombies! (from the „Sea Spell” newspaper ;) )


INMARMURESTI, ROMANIA. The little village of Inmarmuresti, 400 km north of country’s capital city Budapest, was the scene of an undead outbreak that lasted two days, leaving 13 people dead, 20 people undead and 5 persons temporarily dead. A few dozen persons were injured, but since at least 7 of them were already dead when had received the injury, the counting had to be stopped until the arrival of an expert.

The outbreak happened Monday just before dusk, with at least 3 village people (a soldier, an engineer and a policeman) attacking fellow villagers in the street in a biting spree. They managed to bite at least 10 people before bystanders’ screams attracted the local law enforcement officers.

The officers had to use firepower against the three infected persons, but with no result. Reports from the scene indicated the infected were immune to bullets. „They didn’t have to dodge bullets”, said one eye witness. „Neo would have hated their guts, man. The infected pissed on cops’ bullets” [intraslatable Romanian expression], continued the witness.

The fighting soon escalated as more people were bitten than the policemen could shoot down. When dark engulfed the village, Inmarmuresti was under siege. There is no evidence of all the murders and attacks of that night, just isolated stories of people who survived. The witnesses are still in a state of shock after they lived unspeakable terror moments.

JEAN DUPONT (French citizen): „I was there on a Red Cross mission. I was just watching the TV when I heard screams in the street. I didnt understand quite well what they were saying. I only caught something like aisambag pula si fututz mortii matii de mortu reacu care esti. But then this is a daily occurrence in this village so I didnt bother to see what happened. Then the door opened and my zombified neighbour, nea Vasile, entered the room. He missed half his face, was covered in blood and made horrific sounds that reminded me of a mad dog.

REPORTER: Did that scare the crap out of you, sir?

JEAN DUPONT: Actually it didnt. Nea Vasile looks like that every Saturday night after drinking and fighting at the local pub. Anyway, I sensed something was not right when he attacked me and tried to bite my neck. I had to punch him down. Even until that moment, everything was still OK. He tries to bite my neck every Saturday night when hes wasted, soI have to punch him down. Its just that this time he rised as if I hadnt hit him, and attacked me again. So with regret I just had to stick a huge pencil (local folkloric art craft) through his head. They seem to go down permanently when you stick huge pencils through their heads.

In another incident, a man had prepared his sons birthday by gathering a number of relatives, with the intention to do the old Surpriiiise joke. But when he and his unsuspecting son entered the room, the lights stayed off. When he put them on, he saw all the guests seemed to have some sort of Helloween masks on their faces. Nice touch, you creative old bitch!, he thought as he tried to pull off his mother-in-laws mask. Instead, he was left with her jaw in his hand. Consequently all the guests attacked them. They managed to escape in the yard. When one of the boys cousins tried to bite him, the boy pushed him and the cousin fell with his head over a rakes teeth, dying instantly. „This happened as I was unsuccessfully trying to fight my wife’s crazed mother, who was trying to bite off my balls, said the boys father.I remember screaming to my son: Damn, boy, youre good! Do grandma too!’”.

All night, the undead ruled the village. People were caught completely off guard, most of them with zero expertise in the field. I remember a neighbour who yielded a wooden stack. When Marghioala a lu Bashica, who had been infected, attacked him, the neighbour stuck the stack through her heart. Of course, it had no effect. Another neighbour yelled at him: Not wooden, and not through the heart, you moron! Amazed, my neighbour said: You mean I have to put this in her?! The next moment Marghioala bite him, and he shouted: Why the hell are you eating my liver, bitch?! The other neighbour took an ax and gave it to him from the front of the railway station, said one witness.

REPORTER: But you don’t have a railway station in your village!

THE WITNESS: Well, my friend, this is another untranslatable Romanian expression!

Calm was restored only after troops were brought into the village, at daybreak. They began shooting any person who had the symptoms of the infection: staggered walk, unintelligible sounds, blood on their clothes, attacking other people. This led to a controversy, as the gendarmes were accused they shot non-infected people too. How the hell could we tell infected from the non-infected?! People in this village are always drunk and starting fights, so you really cant tell whos a zombie and whos an ordinary drunk!, said one officer.

Gendarms also said a team of 4 kids from the village distinguished themselves by killing a record number of undead. They are to be rewarded with medals later in the month. When interviewed, they said their secret was they are local champions at online video games like Counter-Strike and Half-Life. My son used to steal money from me and go to the city to play his damn games, said one of the kids parents. I used to beat the crap out of him. I used to beat him up until water sounded in his head.

REPORTER: My God, did you really do that?!

MOTHER: No, idiot, this is just another untranslatable Romanian expression! Anyways, outcrapping beating days are over now. Ill buy him a computer myself!

In an effort to reconstruct the seriously damaged village, politician Gigi Becali promised he would pay the damages and educate the people by bringing deadometers and such educational movies as Dawn of the Dead at the local cinema. “People gotta be able to defend themselves against those cocksucking dead motherfuckers”, said the politician. As a counter-measure, ex-president Ion Iliescu declared that should he be re-elected as head of the state, he promises he would not allow the dead to walk the streets in Romania again. “We are anchored in the synergy of the facts. But you zombies stained the ideal of undeadism, you animals!”, explained Iliescu. President Traian Basescus reply was swift: “Clever move. He is accused he’s got the December 1.500 dead on his conscience. If he rounds up 1.500 undead, maybe he’ll be even. Ha-ha-ha! .

The military also spread posters with typical zombie faces and mentioned: Wanted dead or alive or, what the fuck, undead.

Local press has already dubbed the whole incident “Zombiada”.

Acest articol a fost publicat în Râs și etichetat , . Pune un semn de carte cu legătura permanentă.

Un răspuns la Zombiada: Romanian village attacked by zombies! (from the „Sea Spell” newspaper ;) )

  1. Pingback: In care fac o schimbare radicala « Filosofia mea deviata. Pardon, de viata

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