Zombiada [updated and new picture]

Nu e frumos sa-ti republici postari mai vechi, asa cum face, de pilda, Dinu Sararu, care se baga singur in seama republicandu-si la nesfarsit romanul „Niste tarani”, desi asa ceva nu citeste nici ‘reacu. Si totusi o sa postez din nou exact primul articol pe care l-am pus pe blog, nu numai pentru ca l-a distrat pe my good friend The Flake, dar si dintr-un stupefiant motiv postmodern!

La 14 august 2007 postam un articol (scris inca in 2006) despre invazia zombilor intr-un sat romanesc, preluat pasamite din ziarul „Sea Spell” (daca-mi intelegeti aluzia fina). Azi insa, dupa trei ani si jumatate, am aflat cu stupoare ca exista o senzationala fotografie de la invazie! Link spre uluitoarea fotografie voi da insa numai dupa articol, ca sa o savuram mai bine si sa ne miram cum viata bate blogul, si inca mar!

ZOMBIADA: ROMANIAN VILLAGE ATTACKED BY ZOMBIES! (FROM THE “SEA SPELL” NEWSPAPER)

INMARMURESTI, ROMANIA. The little village of Inmarmuresti, 400 km north of country’s capital city Budapest, was the scene of an undead outbreak that lasted two days, leaving 13 people dead, 20 people undead and 5 persons temporarily dead. A few dozen persons were injured, but since at least 7 of them were already dead when had received the injury, the counting had to be stopped until the arrival of an expert.

The outbreak happened Monday just before dusk, with at least 3 village people (a soldier, an engineer and a policeman) attacking fellow villagers in the street in a biting spree. They managed to bite at least 10 people before bystanders’ screams attracted the local law enforcement officers.

The officers had to use firepower against the three infected persons, but reports from the scene indicated the infected were immune to bullets. “The infected pissed on cops’ bullets” [intraslatable Romanian expression], stated the witnesses.

The fighting soon escalated as more people were bitten than the policemen could shoot down. When dark engulfed the village, Inmarmuresti was under siege. The surviving witnesses are still in a state of shock after they had lived unspeakable terror moments.

JEAN DUPONT (French citizen): I was there on a Red Cross mission. I was just watching the TV when I heard screams in the street, something like ‘Ioane, sari cu furca’ si ‘Fututz mortii matii de mortu ‘reacu care esti’. But then this is a daily occurrence in this village so I didn’t bother to see what happened. Then the door opened and my zombified neighbour, nea Vasile, entered the room. He missed half his face, was covered in blood and made horrific sounds that reminded me of a mad dog.

REPORTER: Did that scare the crap out of you, sir?

JEAN DUPONT: Actually it didn’t. Nea Vasile looks like that every Saturday night after drinking and fighting at the local pub! Anyway, he attacked me and tried to bite my neck. I had to punch him down. Even until that moment, everything was still OK. He tries to bite my neck every Saturday night when he’s wasted, so I have to punch the fucker down! The problem is, this time he rised as if I hadn’t hit him, and attacked me again. So with regret I just had to stick a huge pencil (local folkloric art craft) through his head. They seem to go down permanently when you stick huge pencils through their heads.

In another incident, a man had prepared his son’s birthday by gathering a number of relatives, with the intention to do the old “Surpriiiise” joke. But when he and his unsuspecting son entered the room, the lights stayed off. When he put them on, he saw all the guests seemed to have some sort of Helloween masks on their faces. “Nice touch, you creative old bitch!”, he thought as he tried to pull off his mother-in-law’s mask. Instead, he was left with her jaw in his hand. Consequently all the guests attacked them. They managed to escape in the yard. When one of the boy’s cousins tried to bite him, the boy smashed his head with a rake, in only 12 blows. “This happened as I was fighting my wife’s crazed mother, who was trying to bite off my balls”, said the boy’s father.“I remember screaming to my son: ‘Damn, boy, you’re good! Do grandma too!’ ”.

All night, the undead ruled the village. People were caught completely off guard, most of them with zero expertise in the field. “I remember a neighbour who yielded a wooden stack. When Marghioala a lu Bashica, who had been infected, attacked him, the neighbour stuck the stack through her heart. Of course, it had no effect. Another neighbour yelled at him: ‘Not wooden, and not through the heart, you moron!’. Amazed, my neighbour said: ‘You mean I have to put this in her…?!’ The next moment Marghioala bite him, and he shouted: ‘Why the hell are you eating my liver, bitch?! That’s my fucking wife’s God given duty!’. The other neighbour then took an ax and gave it to him from the front of the railway station”, said one witness.

REPORTER: But you don’t have a railway station in your village!

THE WITNESS: Well, my friend, this is another untranslatable Romanian expression!

Calm was restored only after troops were brought into the village and began shooting any person who had the symptoms of the infection: staggered walk, unintelligible sounds, blood on their clothes, attacking other people. This led to a controversy, as the gendarmes were accused they shot non-infected people too. “How the hell could we tell infected from the non-infected?! People in this village are always drunk and starting fights, so you really can’t tell who’s a zombie and who’s an ordinary drunk!”, said one officer.

Gendarms also said a team of 4 kids from the village distinguished themselves by killing a record number of undead. They are to be rewarded with medals later in the month. When interviewed, they said their secret was they are local champions at online video games like Counter-Strike. “My son used to steal money from me and go to the city to play his damn ‘pacanele’ ”, said one of the kids’ parents. “I used to beat the crap out of him. I used to beat him up until water sounded in his head.

REPORTER: My God, woman, did you really do that?!

MOTHER: No, idiot, this is just another untranslatable Romanian expression! Anyways, outcrapping beating days are over now. I’ll buy him a computer myself!”

In an effort to reconstruct the seriously damaged village, politician Gigi Becali promised he would pay the damages and educate the people by donating them deadometers. “People gotta be able to defend themselves against those cocksucking dead rags”, said the politician. Ex-president Ion Iliescu declared that should he be re-elected as head of the state, he promises he would not allow the dead to walk the streets in Romania again. “You zombies stained the ideals of socialism, you animals!”, explained Iliescu. President Traian Basescu’s reply was swift: “Iliescu is accused he’s got the 1.500 dead people from the Revolution on his conscience. If he rounds up 1.500 undead, maybe he’ll be even. Ha-ha-ha!” .

The military also spread posters with typical zombie faces and mentioned: “Wanted dead or alive or, what the fuck, undead”.

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Si iata si o imagine de la tulburatoarele evenimente, pe blogul Porcusorului Isteric!